Dealing with Loss

Hey Guys,
So some of you may know that recently I had a death of someone very close to me. I rushed home as soon as I found out, only being back in Montreal for 2 nights before leaving again. 240 dollars and 6 hours later I was back at home wondering how I found myself back so quickly. I spent the two days before saying goodbye to everyone, to only come back and finding myself having to say bye again.

These past 4 days have taught me a lot about sadness, a deep ache, and loss. Losing Vicki was extremely hard on me. I find myself crying every time I feel like I'm finally starting to feel normal again. For someone who was there watching me grow up, it hurts a lot. Girls from my elementary school that I have drifted away from are suddenly sleeping over at my house again. We're all going out to dinner just like we did five years ago. Loss is a funny thing, it brings people together for the most horrible reasons, yet it shows you that some times years can pass and people can still pick up right where they left off.

Last night I went to see my best friend before he had to go back to school today. We've been best friends for nearly three years and this was the first time he's seen me cry. My tears last night were probably the worst ones I've cried since this whole thing has happened. I truly just want to go back to my life, and to wake up like this was all a terrible night mare. The stress that I've been under because of my new semester and this recent loss has put me over the edge. I've also had friends making me feel guilty because I'm focused on trying to help my friend that just lost his mother, instead of seeing them while I'm unexpectedly home. This whole thing is ridiculously harder than I ever thought it should be. I'm finding myself questioning why people even say the stupid things they do, and it makes me cry that my friends don't understand or try to understand how much this is hurting me. Thank god for my best friend, he's one of the only ones that has grounded me, and showed me that being hurt is okay, and that people that don't see how hard I'm taking this need to go away for a while. I'm truly thankful for my incredible best friend, whom I love dearly and has helped me so much through this horrible time.

I hope by my next post the deep ache inside my chest will have dulled enough that my hurt doesn't consume me. I hope that I can find strength in what has happened.
Kate