Dealing with Loss

Hey Guys,
So some of you may know that recently I had a death of someone very close to me. I rushed home as soon as I found out, only being back in Montreal for 2 nights before leaving again. 240 dollars and 6 hours later I was back at home wondering how I found myself back so quickly. I spent the two days before saying goodbye to everyone, to only come back and finding myself having to say bye again.

These past 4 days have taught me a lot about sadness, a deep ache, and loss. Losing Vicki was extremely hard on me. I find myself crying every time I feel like I'm finally starting to feel normal again. For someone who was there watching me grow up, it hurts a lot. Girls from my elementary school that I have drifted away from are suddenly sleeping over at my house again. We're all going out to dinner just like we did five years ago. Loss is a funny thing, it brings people together for the most horrible reasons, yet it shows you that some times years can pass and people can still pick up right where they left off.

Last night I went to see my best friend before he had to go back to school today. We've been best friends for nearly three years and this was the first time he's seen me cry. My tears last night were probably the worst ones I've cried since this whole thing has happened. I truly just want to go back to my life, and to wake up like this was all a terrible night mare. The stress that I've been under because of my new semester and this recent loss has put me over the edge. I've also had friends making me feel guilty because I'm focused on trying to help my friend that just lost his mother, instead of seeing them while I'm unexpectedly home. This whole thing is ridiculously harder than I ever thought it should be. I'm finding myself questioning why people even say the stupid things they do, and it makes me cry that my friends don't understand or try to understand how much this is hurting me. Thank god for my best friend, he's one of the only ones that has grounded me, and showed me that being hurt is okay, and that people that don't see how hard I'm taking this need to go away for a while. I'm truly thankful for my incredible best friend, whom I love dearly and has helped me so much through this horrible time.

I hope by my next post the deep ache inside my chest will have dulled enough that my hurt doesn't consume me. I hope that I can find strength in what has happened.
Kate

New Year's Day 2014

Happy New Year everyone!

As a disclosure I'm trying to be very happy right now, but it's not coming through. For about the past two hours I've been crying because I have received some really horrible news, that is eating me up inside. This morning I got the news that the person I've been closest to for the longest, a childhood best friend, his mom passed away last night. His mom was like a second mother to me. She was there through all the hard things I've had to deal with in the past ten years. I have so many memories that include her, that when I found out my heart shattered.

Loss is hard. I've dealt with a lot of loss in my 18 years on this planet, but I'm certain that so far this is the hardest one. Honestly it feels like a close family member has died, she was always 'mom # 2' to me. That's what she called herself, everything was signed with, 'love mom # 2'. I feel like part of my childhood has left me, a part that I can never reclaim. For the first time I think I know what a true broken heart feels like. It's surreal really. I can't even put my feelings into words because there are no words for this loss. For someone young, 50s, is too young. For someone that watched me grow up, held my hand while I cried, held me up when I got too drunk, taught me how to deal with hurt, and supported me through so many things, it hurts me so much. If I had one more chance to say to her everything I wish I could say I would say this:
Vicki, your role in my growing up has been huge. Through so many heart aches, and happiness you've been there. You helped us all grow, always being the cool mom that we all wanted around. To me, you were my second mom. Since third grade when I clung to Mike with dear life because he was my best friend, you showed me that even though you weren't my biological mom, you had the love and support that my mom had. Even though you were simply Mike's mom, you were my mom too. I was the daughter you never had for a while, and I'm glad that I was. We went through a lot together, and you raised an amazing young man. I will always love you like a parent, and I'm so glad you were a part of my life. Rest in peace, you incredible woman, the world will not be the same without you.

This day is hard for me. I hope you all had a great New Year's Eve, I will discuss mine on a later date. Until next time.

Kate

The Last Few Days

Hello all.
If you haven't noticed by now, my home town and I have a very love hate relationship. Now that my time here is coming to a close, I'm wishing for a little bit more time. At the same time I know that most of my internal struggles will be coming to an end once I leave here. Last night I went to a party that I was very unwelcome at, and that's one thing I don't miss about this town, as you can read in my pervious post. It all goes back to everyone getting into everyone's business. I hate that with a passion. Personally me not being welcome at this party was a little outrageous because the thing that caused my heart to be sad over Christmas shouldn't cause me to not be welcome with friends. But that's just my opinion.

Last night was awkward at first. The only person that I wanted to speak to wouldn't even look at me. That's probably one of the worst feelings I've ever encountered, someone not being able to look at you. His reasons are some that I don't understand, but I understand myself, and I understand how horrible it's feeling to not be able to just say 'lets be friends and go back to the way it was before'. With time I want this to fix itself, I know that I'm going back to Montreal leaving things in a mess, but I have to trust that things will work themselves out, right? I'm wondering if that whole saying is just to keep you sane, or if it's really true.

So with only two days left here, I'm torn. I want to stay, but I want to leave. This sucks. This song is what I'm trying to use to heal myself. I guess I have a lot of experience trying to heal myself.
Song of the Post:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4URCe40Y0sI

I guess if I'm going to give a summary of my time at home it has to go a little like this: Home will always be home. Things cannot be changed sometimes and it tears me apart. I'm going to miss my friends more than ever, because I'm not back here again until May. I hate saying goodbye. I've said so many goodbye's recently that its something I keep avoiding. I'm also excited to start my new classes in about a week, and I hope this semester goes by as quickly as the first one did.

Before I go I'm going to leave you with this, a photo of how things get 'fixed' in my town. I hope you understand my frustrations.

Good night, good morning, good afternoon, but talk to you soon.
Love, Kate